I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
You Might Also Like
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Happy Thanksgiving
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
any last words?
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry