You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
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This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
sensitive skin
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no