“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
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I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?