I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
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“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
The options really are this bad
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag