[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
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Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do