“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
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The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Easy enough.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today