One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
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Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
A family that plays together cheats.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me