If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
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mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
I think about this a lot
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .