Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
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Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule