Don’t forget to tip your server
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I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.