there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
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Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.