Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
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[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction