If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
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Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.