LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
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My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.