LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
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I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
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for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
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Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.