I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
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Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
no one ever comes back
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.