*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
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After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature