i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
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Respect
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.