One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
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Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
This meal prepping shit is easy
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.