Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
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[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide