Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
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Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
These aliens are taking forever.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.