@TweetsByTheTony

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

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@ojedge

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

@AndrewChamings

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

@iamdevloper

Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer

@SteveSuckington

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

@LuvPug

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

@TheSweetestD_

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

@TheBoydP

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

@bewgtweets

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary