In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

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[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”


Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap


Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer


[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”


I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count


How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler


Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…


Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary