@ojedge [on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
@TweetsByTheTony In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
You Might Also Like
@ojedge 
@AndrewChamings Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
@iamdevloper Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
@SteveSuckington [talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
@Jenny4ashley What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
@LuvPug I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
@TheSweetestD_ How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
@Robert_Beau Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
@TheBoydP Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
@bewgtweets Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary