My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
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sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
What the hell happened in there??
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!