[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
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Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
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Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
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