All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
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People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Need WebMD
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Spring of Deception
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Just how popey was the pope today?
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.