Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
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While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.