making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
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If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
My typo game is string.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*