I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
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Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She鈥檚 on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Here鈥檚 a question for all the mind readers out there.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you鈥檒l also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 馃槧
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 馃槨
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 馃槨馃槨馃槨
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Me: It鈥檚 such a nice day, I鈥檓 going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You鈥檙e right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
*pulls at 28掳 angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29掳 angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094掳 angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 馃檪
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*