The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
You Might Also Like
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Basically.
My work here is don’t.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.