Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
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Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
In case you needed to hear it:
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
This squirrel eats better than I do
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in