I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
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BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Single and childfree like Jesus
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”