The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
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My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Me trying to “trust the process”
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
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ᴱ
ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.