[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
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[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”