Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
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My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
What the hell happened here.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Flowers bee like
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.