Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
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Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Hello, my name is Pierre.
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$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you