Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
You Might Also Like
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*