I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
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Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?