As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
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[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped