Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
![]()
You Might Also Like
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
![]()
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.