Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
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*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”