Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
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Wedding planning is organized crime.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
inside you are two wolves
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
You are not alone 💚
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.