inside you are two wolves
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I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.