You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
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Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Wednesday
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.