Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
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One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*