Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
You Might Also Like
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…