“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
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[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Good morning!
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”