My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
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Are we there yet?…
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
What
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Oh no
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.