snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
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My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I drew y’all a little something.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die