Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
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“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Social distancing in Australia:
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Ah..makes sense now
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.