The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
You Might Also Like
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.