3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
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The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open