I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
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“HELP WITH CAT”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
the clam before the storm
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
my retirement plan is braless
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.