“HELP WITH CAT”
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Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
wtf management?!
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.